After a disturbing modification to the chemicals found in the food that Putin provides to pregnant Russian mothers, it has been reported that children are now inexplicably exploding shortly after childbirth. This alarming phenomenon has led to speculation amongst analysts and experts that he may be weaponizing not only pregnant women but also their newborns. The chilling theory suggests that these mothers and their hatchlings could be transformed into mech mother and baby bombing duos, a horrific strategy designed to gain an upper hand in the ongoing conflict against Ukraine. This raises several ethical questions about the lengths to which a regime might go in the name of warfare.
After some more analyzing, experts have determined that not only is Russia creating mother & newborn bombers, they are also creating laser bears; bears that shoot lesers out their assholes, godzilla style. There’s a saying my grandmother used to tell me: “When you see a bear that’s shooting a laser out it’s ass, you know you’re fucked.”, I always thought she was crazy, but now Russia’s actually making them. I think my grandma was a spy for the Chineese communist party planted in the Russian government, and I think she was warning me about what Russia was working on. She also told me that tiktok actually is an app meant to spy on the American people and shoot beams through the camera sensor into the pupils of users to track their age and pupil dialation to speak to the planes and other devices on our home internet to control our printers and steal our livers, not sure about that one tho.
Either my grandma was a crazy hag or this was planned way before our time, either way we need to bomb the shit out of Russia before the laser bears release, because when lasers start coming out of bear ass, we’re fucked.